Partnership in Marriage, or Just Partnership?
Over the last several years, the issue of “gay marriage” has become an increasingly hot topic. Recently, this has certainly been the case. As I type this note, the House of Representatives in Minnesota is debating the issue of possible passage of marriage equality in their state. For the purposes of discussion, however, I prefer to think of it simply as “marriage.” Readers will likely have seen the various memes about not “gay doing laundry” but simply “doing laundry.” Enough said…
For the record, I’m a gay man. I’m days away from 50 years of age. I’ve known I was gay from the time I was 5 years old and came out at 15. I was raised in a Christian household and still claim that faith path today. I’m white, although also from immigrant stock, and am a second-generation American. I was born in Galveston, Texas, which also makes me a US citizen. I’m one of five siblings in my immediate family, and also happily share a paternal link to three other wonderful “kids” through my father’s first (and later divorced) marriage.
This October will mark the 30th anniversary of my life commitment to my partner, Jeffery. So back to the subject of marriage. There are differing opinions about what marriage is and what it is not. There are equally numerous people who feel that marriage in the gay community is not valid or appropriate based on religious belief. In addition, there are sociological arguments both for and against same-gender couples entering into a marriage contract. Along with all of these notions, some people speak of allowing civil unions for gays, but not marriage. It could be argued that this is a game of semantics. I actually have (straight) both married and unmarried friends who refer to their significant other as their “partner.” I have gay friends who, absent marriage, still refer to their significant other as “spouse, husband, or wife.” Ultimately, all of these refer to a person to whom these people have committed their lives and with whom they have pledged to share their lives.
To quote a movie I saw years ago, “It’s someone to witness my life.” I rather like that. But to also quote Rep. Carolyn Laine of Minnesota, “This word marriage is more charged today with such hopes and dreams and depths of meaning because of the examples of those who have lived its essence without permission to use the word for so many years.”
I have to point out the obvious here: my partner, Jeffery, and I have remained a faithful, committed couple in spite of not having a marriage license, despite societal pressure and discrimination, and regardless of whether we were protected by our constitution and the law of the United States.
When we were 18 and 19, respectively, none of these were issues for us. But as we grew older, we acquired homes and began actually building our lives together. Society gradually became tolerant, if not accepting, of our relationship. Marriage was simply a notion we weren’t allowed to consider, however much we would have liked to be married. So now, as we are in the back half of our lives, we become more and more aware of what we have built together and how easily we stand to lose our life’s work.
On a political level, I believe in the separation of church and state. I won’t go into all the pro and con arguments here. But just suffice it to say I don’t want my government to tell me how, if, or which religion I should practice. Conversely, I don’t want my religion dictating laws for every person in my country. Neither escapes subjective issuance or abuse.
Various religions of the world have wildly divergent opinions about gays in the first place. Never mind whether or not marriage among those of us who are not heterosexual should be able or allowed to participate. Beyond this, there is a debate on the definition of “traditional marriage.” Again, I won’t go into all the arguments regarding marriage in Biblical terms (i.e., multiple wives, concubines, etc.). I’ll leave that to others. As I am a Christian, I can only speak to my belief that God created me as I am and the changing opinions I have witnessed in my faith and denomination on the subject. The short story is that increasingly large numbers of people have come to believe that being gay and acting on that orientation is not counter to the teachings of Jesus Christ. This is also my belief and has been since I was old enough to form a coherent thought or sentence.
This term “partnership” is one that was cooked up to give the gay community some semblance of definitional meaning to the nature of their long-term committed relationships with another person. In the early days of the gay rights movement – one that had us jumping up and down shouting, “We’re here. We’re Queer. Get used to it.” In those days, we referred to this person as “my lover.” How very odd that sounds to me today.
Of course, the term “partner” is also used by lawyers, doctors, interior designers, and many other professions. Husband, wife, and spouse all hold a singular significance to the subject they describe. Partner? Not so much. It’s simply a bit of language we’ve used to indicate the relationship goes beyond – perhaps way beyond – that of boyfriend, girlfriend, lover, or life mate. After all, at the age of almost 50, doesn’t “boyfriend” sound a bit like a teenager?
It is an undeniable fact that every married couple in this country, gay and straight, has what I would call a civil union. Each of these couples has appeared at their local county clerk’s office or similar government body to secure a marriage license. These licenses are not issued by any church or religious organization. The license is a government-issued document for which couples pay a fee. Many couples have large ceremonies in the church of their choosing. However, many couples have their marriages performed outside of religious institutions, regardless of their faith. I have family members and friends who have been married in courthouses, outdoor gardens, and parks. My sister and brother-in-law, whose Christian faith inspires me, were married in my parents’ living room (years after Jeffery and I committed to each other).
Further, there are people of various religious or nonreligious backgrounds who won’t get married in church. With no disrespect intended, there are atheists, agnostics, and others who (sadly, in my opinion) will never darken the door of a church. Yet they are able to be married.
So when we’re talking about marriage, perhaps the solution that would satisfy (almost) everyone is to do away with secular marriage entirely. Everyone has a civil union. All married couples basically have this now, as the previously mentioned government-issued marriage licenses attest. Across the board, all government bodies change the forms to say civil union. If couples want their union blessed or recognized as marriage or holy matrimony, they are free to seek out a church and a clergyperson to bless that union as a marriage. Obviously, some churches will not bless every union. This would not change the current laws inasmuch as members of the clergy have always been able to decline to marry anyone. If you’re a straight couple wanting such a blessing, you’ll seek a church that will do that. If you’re a gay couple wanting such a blessing, you’ll also seek a church that will do that. And there are definitely churches that will.
I believe in protections for religious institutions from being forced to perform marriages they oppose. (On a slightly different but related topic, I do NOT support a baker refusing service to a same-gender couple based on religious belief.) I obviously have no problem with same-gender marriage. Certainly, my life with Jeffery is a testament to the fact that gay couples can remain committed in spite of societal pressures over the years and in spite of a lack of a piece of paper granting us permission. Of course, we are not able to enjoy the more than 1,100 protections that come with that piece of paper.
But for the purposes of trying to satisfy everyone out there, maybe marriage just isn’t the right thing. Of course, in the past tense, we wouldn’t have become married. We’ll have become unioned.
